When Your Loved One Is Addicted

Having a loved one that is addicted is a scary, isolating, frustrating, and heartbreaking experience. It tear’s you open to fears of death, loss of control, and abandonment. It’s a dark and gut-wrenching position to be in. However, there are some ways to help and they may not be the ways you instinctually feel compelled to react.

The very first thing to understand is that now matter what, you cannot control the actions or lives of others. You want to. I get that. You want to remove all their decision-making authority and dictate their lives but it is only a temporary solution at best. They will eventually rebel or manipulate the situation until they can slip away to truly do what they want to do. Take a deep breath and breathe into the possibility that they cannot control you just as much as you cannot control them. You may feel that their life is in grave danger, but that changes nothing. Remove your responsibility from the equation. It only adds to frustrations, disappointments, alienation, and guilt. None of those sentiments are going to be productive on this journey.

Secondly, take a look at yourself and others around your loved one. Are you or anyone else enabling the addictive behaviors? You’ll have to get very honest with yourself and that may not be easy. Enabling involves any support to help your loved one maintain their lifestyle. This may include giving them money, gift cards, new clothing, food, housing, transportation, or even maintaining their secrets. As long as they are actively using, you cannot support them or their life in any way possible. Many parents try to rationalize this by saying that they would rather their child live in their house than on the streets. That at least they know where their child is. That at least their child won’t overdose on the streets. That giving them rides helps them to go to work or to find a job. That their child needs food and it’s their responsibility to provide it. That giving them new clothes is a necessity. Or that giving them gift cards is different than giving them cash. All of these excuses are just that. Excuses to continually enable an addict so that they don’t feel guilty. So that the addict is “safe”. You not being able to face your own guilt or shame or fears is actually fueling your loved one’s addiction. It may be difficult to absorb, but at the very least, allow yourself a few days to genuinely think about it.

If you find that you or someone around you is enabling your loved one, then it’s time to redirect that behavior. Redirect it to an area that can help rather than hinder. All enabling needs to stop, immediately. No more handouts. No more hiding. No more cushioning their fall. No more absorbing their consequences. No more excuses. It ends and it ends now. That being said, be prepared for pushback and manipulation from your loved one. They are not going to be happy when their life gets uncomfortable or when they have to start owning up to their choices. You will need to be the strongest version of yourself that has ever existed. You will need to be stronger than you believe is possible. If the enabling is coming from another source, say another family member, spouse of friend your options are more limited. Try your best to openly communicate with this person and see if you can come together as a team. What you have tried has not worked so it’s time to switch up the strategy. The other person may or may not be capable of this. Do your best to continuously reach out and meet with them on this subject. The more they are enabled, the less likely they will be to seek help.

The next phase is all about boundaries. This is where you will need to implement your strength. Get very clear about your boundaries. What are you willing to accept? What are you not willing to accept? Please note that boundaries are not a punishment, form of manipulation, or to coerce the behavior of others. Boundaries are all about you and what you are willing to accept from others. Your recourse is limiting contact and eliminating trust and privileges that go along with your presence. One example of a boundary is that you do not want to interact with your loved one when they are actively using. You refuse to accept visits or other communication while they are either high or not seeking treatment. Another may be that you refuse to offer rides to them, no matter the circumstances while they are actively using. Perhaps another may be that you refuse to be verbally abused by them and cut contact as soon as that behavior arises. Again, there will absolutely be push-back from your loved one once you start changing how you interact with each other. They have manipulated you for a long time and they have always gotten what they want. They will be angry when you decide to change the dynamic. Enact your strength and hold tight to your values and boundaries.

Unfortunately, manipulation of part of every addicts playbook. They are master manipulators and loved ones know all your soft spots. Whether that’s crying, threats of self-harm, threats of violence, anger, arguments, abuse, acting sweet, telling you what you want to hear, steamrolling, bullying, or casting guilt/ shame. They will switch tactics as well so they may initially be kind and attentive or say what you want to hear. Then if you do not give in, they may try coercion or emotional abuse. They may also become aggressive or abusive if you still don’t give in. At this point you are so exhausted and frustrated that you just give them what they want so it all just stops. Unfortunately, it only stops until the next time they want something from you. Putting a band aide on a bullet hole ultimately does nothing. Be strong and hold to your boundaries no matter what happens. You are not responsible for others, the emotional regulation of others or the actions of others.

Openly communicating and offering resources will help to keep the relationship active and productive. If they reach out for help getting into a treatment center then you can assist them with that. If they genuinely need a ride to an AA meeting, then go with them to the meeting. You are allowed to be a guest and participate in the meeting. If they are sick or in trouble, you can choose to offer assistance getting them to the necessary location or treatment center. This is not about eliminating your loved one from your life. It is about not participating or assisting in their demise. Communication might not always be available as an option when dealing with people with addictions. The reality is that most addicts hide or runaway from their families during binges or heavy using. Keep strong to your boundaries and communicate when the conditions allow. Express your love and desire for them to get sober without pressuring, forcing, or manipulating. If you feel yourself getting overly emotional, come back to the conversation when you are more composed. Otherwise, they may feel as though you are trying to use your emotions to manipulate them.

I am sure one big thing looms over you though. THE big thing. What if you say no to them, they get upset and then go and use. Then they end up overdosing and dying. I pride myself on being overly honest about this because I also went through the same experience with my younger sister who had an addiction. You can learn more about my story HERE. Your loved one may die from an addiction. It is likely that they will. However, this is not connected to you. To whether or not you gave them a ride to the store. To whether or not you paid their cell phone bill. To whether or not you let them stay in your house. The guilt and shame does not belong to you. All you can do is offer them genuine assistance getting sober, support them while they are actively on their recovery journey, and love them. Love does not mean you are suppose to suffer for them or absorb their cruelty or shield them from consequences.

Aside from what has been mentioned you can also learn as much as possible about addiction and addictive behaviors. This will help you to understand what is actually going on and why addiction doesn’t ever just go away. You can find support groups to connect with others going through similar situations. These groups will be beneficial when difficult situations arise and you can confide with like-minded people. You can lean into religious organizations and pray or engage with events or activities. This will help you feel less alone and comforted on a spiritual level. If you are not religious you can call on your ideology around a higher power or take to meditation. Try to put your needs into focus and tend to your mind and body. This will help to ensure you are healthy and strong enough to engage with your loved one. You can also stay as positive as possible. This will be a challenge but choosing positivity helps us to have hope and focus on available options. It also offers support to the person in addiction. They are not able to be their own source of positivity but you can lead by example.

We offer group sessions around addiction, recovery, relapse, support, and the implementation of the actions mentioned in this article. If you are interested in joining our next group please join our mailing list HERE.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website can offer further resources including a 24-hour hotline.