What Family Should Know About Addiction: From an Addict

The most common response from family when their loved one is addicted is usually denial, followed by enabling, and lastly force or ultimatums. None of these tactics are helpful to addicts. If anything they either assist them in their addiction or they force an addict into hiding. So what are you meant to do if you are the family or friend of an addict? What is the perspective from their point-of-view? I took a deep dive into the world of addiction at a rehabilitation center to get into the mind of an addict. To better understand what they are going through, what they struggle with, and what they want others to know. This is what I learned.

Enabling

Each addict that has an enabler is aware of it. They are not only aware but they use their enabler until that individual is left with absolutely nothing. There will be no end to requests for money, transportation, clothing, shoes, food, groceries, legal fees, bail, incarceration commissary, cars, and so on. They will use you until there is nothing left. It only ends when you end it. When you set boundaries and reinforce them. They are aware of who makes their addiction easier and who makes it harder. They will lean into those that make their addiction easier. People with additions are very good at manipulating people into doing what they want. It’s one of the skillsets learned by just about every person with an addiction. You can think of it as a survival technique.

For the outside, we think that helping someone with an addiction means to provide for them, to cover for them, or to maintain their secrets. This happens to have the opposite effect when it comes to addiction. Say for example the individual has two parents, a mother and a father. If the mother enables or assists in the addiction. The father does not and has detached from the situation. You will find that the addict latches on to the mother and only wants to interact with the mother. It’s because their needs are met with the mother, their life is easier. As long as the mother continues to enable, the child is much less likely to get help.

By Any Means

Addicts will fulfill their addictive desires. They will do anything and everything to satisfy the calling of addiction. If that means stealing from family or friends, they will. If that means selling their bodies, they will. If that means manipulating people, they will. If that means abandoning their children, they will. If that means cheating or lying, they will. If that means using dirty needles, they will. There is no boundary or personal standard for addicts. They might not steal from their parents but they will steal from stores or strangers on the street. They are capable and willing to do whatever it takes. This is degrading for them to reflect on while on a journey to sobriety. The majority of them don’t want to admit it to themselves let alone others. Family often rejects them once they begin to divulge some of their secrets.

They recognize that their addiction is more powerful than anything else. They hate that it is this way but the addiction is just that powerful. Outsiders may ask why their love or family or children aren’t enough to make them stop. Addiction effects everyone but it is not necessarily a personal rejection on family and friends. They love their family and friends, but their addiction is stronger. To get help, the individual must want it for themselves. This will always be the primary factor for getting sober.

Inner Thoughts

Individuals with addictions carry a huge amount of guilt, shame, and remorse about their actions and how it impacts others. They are not fully aware of the impact they have but they are somewhat aware and they do feel guilty. They torment their selves with this guilt and shame. It isn’t enough to thwart their addiction but they are aware of it. They often struggle with low self-esteem, low self-worth and battle a lot of inner turmoil. The majority of their thoughts are either negative or self-destructive.

Another element to consider is that 60% of people with addictions as meet the criteria for a mental health disorder. Some mental health disorders are there before the addiction and may cause an individual to start to engage in addictive behaviors to cope. Other times a mental health disorder is caused by an addiction. The majority of people with additions do struggle with mental health disorders and rarely get adequate help for these issues. Mental health must be addressed separately from addiction as they are two different disorders that are resolved in contrasting ways.

Self Satisfying

Unfortunately, their existence is to satisfy their addiction. It is stronger than family, friends, love or assistance. The individuals are stuck in a loop and nothing is strong enough to remove them from it. Addiction binges are when they disappear and turn off their phones or push calls to voicemail. They avoid all contact during binges because they feel guilty when they talk with you. In an attempt to avoid feeling guilt, they avoid family, friends and general help.

It’s difficult to have core memories with someone and then watch them slowly disintegrate. They almost disappear and become a completely different person. It feels as though you are being rejected and that you no longer matter. Your relationship no longer matters or it is one-sided. While it may feel next to impossible to not take this personal, it isn’t. Their addiction is not about you or your relationship. It’s about them, the hurt they feel, and the damage they create. They don’t love you less, they are trapped and consumed with nothing other than that.

Getting Help

Each individual that I met, either didn’t want to be there in a rehabilitation center or was there because their life had essentially bottomed out. Some individuals will go to a treatment center and not get better. They want to get help but they aren’t willing to change what needs to be changed or to face their inner turmoil to heal. Others are there because their life was falling apart with living on the streets, pending court cases, old age, or isolation. They are all there because their life isn’t working and they know that.

The only time addicts get help is when they are faced with the consequences of their actions. The more they are shielded from the consequences of their addiction the longer they remain active in that lifestyle. Addicts usually only get help when faced with jail, the loss of friends or family, poverty, homelessness, health problems, near death experiences, or other traumatic situations related to their addiction. As long as their life is functioning as an addict there is no need for them to get help. No amount of pleading from family will get them help.

After Rehab

For individuals with an addiction getting out of rehab is terrifying. They are forced to become regular members of society and to conform to new expectations. Some of them are not ready to leave when they are discharged. And some will relapse the very same day they get out. I have seen many individuals at the treatment center break down into tears at the very thought of having to reintegrate into society and the first few times they are tempted with drugs. They also stop being praised and supported so much by their support network. They have to go out and live life on their one. They have to make decisions on their own. This is petrifying for someone with an addiction.

Addiction doesn’t go away after rehab. It’s a life-long diagnosis that must be maintained. There is never an end to addiction. Your loved one will never be “fixed” or “normal”. They will forever be an addict that is either in recovery or actively using. Life and family dynamics may also never be the same after they get out of rehab. It’s important to understand that all people effected by the addict will continue to be effected even after rehab. That does include reestablishing new boundaries, relationship dynamics, rules, interactions, living situations, and communication. To support them, you must also be willing to change.

Relapse

There are some individuals that will relapse at the first encounter with responsibility, temptation, rejection, disappointment, frustration, or even stress. It’s difficult to gauge who will relapse and who will not. People with addictions are usually fearful of a relapse because they know how quick it escalates and how easy it is to destroy their own lives. Cravings are incredibly intense so it is common to feel nervous to encounter this aspect of recovery.

Relapse is normal and very common amongst addicts. Some will relapse every month for years. Others will be sober for decades and then relapse. There is no way to predict when or how many times an addict will relapse. They understand the likelihood of a relapse is extremely high. They also understand how much of a disappointment they are when it occurs. Essentially, addicts are stuck within a cycle of obsessive thoughts, using, and then remorse. It’s a loop of insanity and as much as they understand that, they can’t seem to figure out how to get out of it. Shaming or guilting anyone who relapses is unnecessary. Trust me, they make themselves feel guilty enough.

Deep Fears

Some of the deepest fears people with addictions have include relapsing, temptations, setting boundaries, disappointing family and friends, living a normal life, failing, not meeting expectations, confronting past trauma and admitting or addressing mental health disorders. They are also afraid that regular life is boring or will never be as thrilling. They are not accustomed to feeling emotions and processing through them. Addiction is an escapism from the environment, body, and mind. Having to suddenly process emotions and respond in a completely different manner can causes a great deal of anxiety.

An individual with an addiction must overhaul their entire lives to get sober and stay sober. It’s overwhelming and can sometimes seem impossible. The fear experienced is intense and completely valid. Everyone has experienced fear and anyone who has experienced intense fear knows how debilitating that can be. Imagine fear greater than you have ever experienced and then multiply it. That is what individuals with addictions face.

Emotional Stagnation

Addicts tend to be emotionally stuck and express themselves at the level of adolescents or teenagers. They are unable to cope with their emotions, life, temptations, overwhelm, stress, responsibilities, mature relationships, anger, or sadness. Their addiction has been used as a numbing agent and has prevented them from experiencing and processing emotions in a mature manner. Many do not want to face their emotions or what to censor how much and which emotions they experience.

People with addictions will need to relearn skills and ways to cope with a world that easily overwhelms them. They are emotionally volatile and it can be frustrating for the family and friends of addicts to understand this. It can be exhausting to mange someone who can’t manage themselves. Having patience, open communication, and solid boundaries aid and empower during these types of situations.

Life Overhaul

Addiction recovery requires the individual to upend their entire life. The only way to truly recover and remain sober is to change everything about how they manage their lives. They must figure out how to have fun, make friends, cope with emotions, practice self-care, exercise, meditate, communicate, manage family dynamics, be a responsible adult, parent, make decisions, and much more. The magnitude of this is often misunderstood. I would hardly believe that many people, other than addicts, have ever had to completely upend their lives. It takes a lot to not only admit that everything must change but to successfully go through these changes. It is overwhelming and this is often the reason a lot of addicts don’t make much or any progress at all. When they sit back and look at every little thing that needs to change they become overwhelmed and abandon their sobriety altogether.

Focusing on one task at a time or to take each day as it comes, is a great way to help alleviate this stress. There is no need to overload a person who is in recovery. Allow them the space and grace to do things on their own terms and when they feel ready. Support them in the tasks they have and make things as simple as possible.

We Are Connected

Addicts face a huge problem when interacting with family. Typically, family adopts this way of thinking that the entire problem is with the addict. They are the ones that need to get help, to change their lives. It is true that the majority of the work comes from the addicts side however family plays a role. It could have been family trauma, unhealthy relationships, continuous stress, PTSD, undiagnosed mental health disorders and more. If you truly want your loved one to recover and live a sober life then, family and friends must be able and willing to change. Whether that’s with relationship dynamics, boundaries, communication, living situations, therapy, or support. An addict cannot get sober and then go back to living in a stressful, unhealthy, or disruptive house. Have an open and honest conversation with your loved one about how to support them. What they need from you and if there are any changes the family as a whole can change. Seek your own support group or work with addiction recovery professionals.