The Truth Behind Why an Addict Refuses Help and What to Do

The most common roadblock that people face when their loved one has an addiction is the refusal of help. They might have gone to you directly and asked for help only to refuse it once it’s presented to them. It’s confusing when someone asks for help and then declines it once you have presented options. Why do individuals with addictions do this? The answer is that they are trapped in the addiction cycle. Let’s look at the cycle of addiction and how it causes someone to refuse help.

To understand why someone with an addiction would refuse help we must first understand the cycle of addiction. The physical action of addiction is the substance usage or behavior. Most people believe that this is all that addiction is, behaviors or usage that an individual cannot control. However, addiction actually begins and festers in the mind long before any actions take place. It’s a coping skill that the individual developed to either manage their emotions, self-soothe or to escape. They become emotionally overwhelmed which then leads them to being triggered. Perhaps they feel emotionally unstable or unable to control themselves or external factors. Then a trigger occurs which could be anything from a smell or a sight to an argument or event. This trigger sets them off to crave the release and escape of their addiction. They need to soothe themselves and the only way they know how to do that is through addictive behaviors. This is also when the individual will begin to justify acting on their desires and planning how they will do it.

After the individual has acted on their craving, they will move into the remorse stage of the addiction cycle. This is when they regret their actions, feel guilt, and shame. It is here that an individual will reach out for help. It is during the remorse stage that you will hear things like, I need help. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m done. I want to go to rehab. Can you help me? These are all the phrases that you have been desperate to hear. For the family and friends of addicts, this is a magical moment. This is the perceived cue when the turmoil will finally end. They will get help and this will all be over. Things can go back to normal, to how they were before the addiction. If the individual is going to get help, it will be when they are in the remorse stage. However, not all requests for help are genuine. Just because they ask for help getting into a rehab does not mean they are genuinely going to go or genuinely interested in stopping their addiction. This can lead the family and friends of addicts to experience disappointment, frustration, annoyance, and hopelessness. Why would someone ask for help and then run away from it? As confusing as it is, it’s part of active addiction.

Understanding that remorse is part of the cycle of addiction can enable family and friends to become more prepared and empowered. If someone with an addiction reaches out for help, it is best to respond immediately. Try to get them into a treatment center as soon as possible or to a support group meeting. The key to being successful is to act fast and to remain by their side until they get help. For example, if you got them into a rehab for the following day, do not leave them alone until they enter the doors of the rehab. There are two reasons why this is important.

1. Addicts will often seek one last hoorah before getting help. If they are drug users then they will get high one last time. If they are binge eaters then they will binge one last time. If they are addicted to gambling then they will play one last time. This last time event is dangerous because they will do more than usual since it is being viewed as the very last time. A large majority of overdose deaths are right before the individual is set to enter a treatment center. It was their one last time. This is why you want to continuously supervise them. They will try to make excuses and some of them might be legitimate, however, remain strong and stay by their side.
2. Since addicts can move through the addiction cycle at different speeds, an individual may only be in remorse for a short period of time. They may disappear before you can get them help. They may tell you that they have changed their minds or that they are fine. Perhaps they might say that they were just having a bad day and that things have calmed down. Your loved one is either afraid or no longer wants help. Most likely, it is fear. Going through treatment means that they will have to face themselves on a deep level. It will require a change to every aspect of their lives including learning new ways of coping. Change is scary and changing nearly everything about your life is terrifying. Being afraid is normal. Everyone feels afraid. Being with your loved one will help them feel supported. You may even be able to have a conversation about fear and change. Being with them reduces their chances of disappearing before getting help.

Ultimately, we cannot control the actions of others. Everyone is responsible for themselves even people with addictions. If someone you know has an addiction and continues to refuse help, you cannot force them. Perhaps their situation hasn’t gotten bad enough or they haven’t faced enough consequences to desire to change. Whatever is going on, we cannot do the work for others. We can, however, offer options, remain in communication, and maintain healthy boundaries. Since it is emotionally upsetting, try to remain optimistic but not dependent. Focus on yourself and maintaining proper self-care so that you will be fully able and willing to help when it is finally time. Here at Sober and Beyond we illuminate the journey of sobriety and how to live beyond addiction. Click HERE to get started today.