There are two types of enabling. There is the healthy enabling and then there is the unhealthy enabling. The majority of people who have a loved one with an addiction are unhealthy enablers. They offer rides, food, money, gift cards, clothing, shelter, cell phones, and many other resources to their addicted loved one. They do it in the name of “love”. They do it to soothe their own guilt and discomfort. They do it in an attempt to control or shield their loved one from being independent or face consequences. The reality is that unhealthy enabling is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic. It is implemented in the name of love but it actually hurts the addict, prolongs their addictive state, and makes their addiction worse and more intense.
Why is that though? Why would offering your child shelter, food, and clothing be unhealthy? How could that possibly make their addiction worse? If your loved one is over the age of 16, and actively in addiction, there is absolutely no reason why you should be providing them anything at all other than professional help to get sober. Providing resources only signals to your loved one that they don’t need to put any energy into providing for themselves. You do that for them. They are free to spend all their time, energy, and money on drugs or other addictive behaviors. The shoes you purchase for them can be sold to fuel their addiction along with gift cards, food, clothing, cell phones and the list goes on.
Unhealthy Enabling
Actions always speak louder than words and enabling an addict is no different. If you explain that you want them to get help and that you are worried about them but then you offer them shelter, food, or any other resources then your words are conflicting with your actions. In this case, the individual will ignore your pleas for them to get help. They will focus on the fact that you are supporting their addiction and they have no consequences to face for their actions.
Unhealthy enabling is generally the main response most family members have when their loved one is addicted. It’s primarily exhibited by the mother or main caregiver of the individual. It comes from a place of wanting to help, shelter, shield, and protect someone that is going through a difficult time. However, it is also present in codependent relationships, to maintain the secret of the addiction, and to also comfort the enabler by soothing their guilt, shame or concern. Addicts themselves recognize that they are being enabled and they will lean into that and facilitate its continuance. Though it is a common response it is not a helpful response. It is actually hurting the person with the addiction by making their addiction easier for them to maintain.
Any type of resource that you are providing signals that you are okay in supporting their addictive lifestyle. There are many ways to unhealthily enable an addict but the most common are food, shelter, cash, transportation, paying their rent and other expenses, clothing, shoes, gift cards, cell phones, bailing them out of jail, and paying legal expenses, fees and fines.
Healthy Enabling
Healthy enabling involves setting and enforcing boundaries with your loved one. They are in alignment with sobriety. For example you could assist them in getting into a rehabilitation program. You could help them get into therapy. You could visit them while they are in rehab. You could support healthy habits such as going to the gym together, painting, photography, or taking walks. It could involve assisting them in finding transitional housing. It could also be welcoming them back into your home after they have completed a rehab program and have been sober for at least one year. These are actions that support sobriety not actions that shield them and protect them from facing consequences. When you have a loved one who is addicted it is important to understand when you are assisting in their addiction versus when you are assisting in their sobriety.
The truth is that as long as an individual is actively addicted and has an enabler, they are far less likely to get help. There isn’t much of a reason for them to get help if all their addictive lifestyle needs are met. For individuals with an addiction to get clean they have to first feel the pain and discomfort of their actions. They must get their driver’s license suspended, go to jail, become homeless, loose contact with their family, go without food, and so on. The only way any of us change is when our lifestyle becomes uncomfortable. When we face the consequences of our actions. For example, you may have recently gained some weight. It’s fun to binge on sweets and junk food. It may even be a way to cope with life. As long as it is only fun, there would be no incentive for you to change. However once you are faced with clothing that’s too tight or no longer fits, comments from friends and family, an unrecognizable reflection in the mirror, high blood pressure, borderline diabetes and other health problems, you are then motivated to change. If nothing bad ever came from excessive eating then there would be no reason to stop. The same is true for people with addictions.
How to Help
The first thing to do if you find yourself in this situation is to take some time to reflect. Why are you supporting their addiction? Do you feel guilty, ashamed or responsible? Do you have an unhealthy relationship dynamic? Are you unsure of what else to do? Were you advised to enable them? Are you manipulated into continuing to enable them? Self reflection is important and how to understand what is causing this in the first place. From there you want to decide on boundaries. Be very clear with yourself on exactly what those boundaries are.
Next, openly and honestly communicate with your loved one. Explain that you unintentionally have been helping them stay an addict and that things will need to change. Then communicate your boundaries. Let your loved one know the parameters of your boundaries. If you are willing to drive them to the bus stop but nothing else, then explain that. If you are willing to help them to get into a rehabilitation center, then explain that. If you are willing to cook a meal for them but not buy them groceries, then explain that.
Be prepared for pushback. Your loved one knows you well and has found ways to get you to participate in their addiction. They will not like that things will change. They will push back against it and try to disassemble your boundaries. They will search for the tiniest pinhole so that they can enlarge it and get things back to how they were before. You will need to be a strong authority when it comes to your boundaries. You will need to make sure that there are no pinholes to enlarge. There is no wiggle room for manipulation. Essentially you will need to face one of the hardest tests of personal strength that there is.
Saying no to a loved one with an addiction feels like a betrayal. It feels as though you are abandoning someone in their time of need. Though it may feel that you are doing the wrong thing, you are actually doing the only thing that you can do to help them get sober. You are refusing to continue participating in their addiction. You are refusing to accept their behavior. You are refusing to continue living in the torment of addiction alongside them.
Conclusion
Change is possible and it is necessary for personal growth. There are productive ways to help someone with an addiction. Unfortunately, unhealthy enabling is not one of those ways. Here at Sober and Beyond we facilitate a lifestyle that goes beyond sobriety. We guide individuals and their loved ones in achieving a fulfilling and satisfying life. Individual and group coaching sessions are now available. Find out more HERE.